1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it
and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the
3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp
4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't
wear it out!"
6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would
go if he died tomorrow.
8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle
of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an
episode of Starsky and Hutch.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says
no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your
intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
13. Sing your questions.
14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE!
Oh, no, sorry."
16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you
actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang
cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occasionally lick your lips.
22. Address the professor as "your excellency".
23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been
24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
27. Present the professor with an enormous fruit-basket.
28. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee
henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
29. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard
30. Watch the professor through binoculars.
31. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
32. When the professor turns on his laser-pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
33. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your
name, even if it's Smith. Claim that the "i" is silent.
34. Sit in the front row, reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
35. As soon as the first bell rings, regardless of the class subject,
volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's
reply and proceed to do so anyway.
36. Claim that you wrote the class textbook.
37. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and
38. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
39. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Sign-up Sheet
#" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
40. Stand to ask questions. After the professor answers, bow deeply before
taking your seat.
41. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
42. Disassemble your pen. "Accidentally" propel pieces across the room while
playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces.
43. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
44. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
45. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
46. Wear a black hooded cloak to class, and ring a bell.
47. Every time a professor mentiones a name, ask "Did he have any children?"
48. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of
ancient Greek trade routes down farther, because you can't see Macedonia.
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